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carinascottTitle: Midnight Confessions
Author:nicknrick4eva
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Spencer Reid/Derek Morgan (pre-slash)
Disclaimer: I don’t own, please don’t sue.
Summary: Derek has a rough night, Spencer helps out.
Spoilers: “Profiler, Profiled”
Feedback and constructive criticism is welcome and greatly appreciated.
~*~
Spencer Reid wakes with a start. Yawning widely, he looks around the dark room in search of what woke him. Just as he is about to doze of once more, he hears it again.
It sounds almost like a wounded animal….or maybe someone crying?
Shaking his head, Reid almost laughs. He wasn’t crying, so that would only leave Morgan, his roommate for this trip, as the other option. Derek Morgan does not cry.
Or maybe he does, because Spencer can almost swear he hears the faint sounds of semi-controlled sobbing, being muffled by a pillow. Sitting up slowly, so as not to startle Derek in case he actually is the source, Spencer blinks rapidly trying to let his eyes adjust to the semi-darkness.
After a few moments, his eyes finally adjust and he looks over to the bed Derek is sleeping in. What he sees breaks his heart.
Morgan’s back is to him, so Spencer can’t really see much as far as his face goes. But he has been a profiler for far too long, and the knowledge of human behavior as well as posture tells him more than facial expressions could.
Derek is definitely the source of the noises that woke him. His back is rigid, muscles taught and strained as he fights to hold the heart-wrenching sobs in. From where Spencer sits, it looks as if Derek is hugging a pillow tightly, face half buried in it. He is rocking, however slight, constantly, as if he can’t keep from moving.
Spencer is at a loss for what to do. He knows without a doubt what has brought this on. Their current case has brought them to New Orleans, in search of a serial pedophile that the locals have been unable to catch. They spent the entire day working on the case, and no real breaks had come through. Derek had taken it harder than everyone else, which is understandable, but Spencer hadn’t realized just how much the case had affected him. Is affecting him.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want to think about it.
Cursing himself for his oversight, Spencer slides off the bed onto the empty floor between his and Derek’s bed. Crawling the short distance, he stops and looks at the strong man before him.
Before he realizes what he’s doing, he reaches across the empty space and places a sleep-warmed hand on the cool, taught back of his friend.
He could kick himself for not thinking before acting as he watches Derek scramble away from him in horror, hearing the yelp of surprise and fear almost echo in the quiet room.
“Dammit Spence! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!” Morgan yells as he wipes at his wet face.
“I’m so sorry, Derek! I didn’t mean to startle you,” Spencer stands up and sits back on his bed, rubbing his hands together as the stress of the situation seems to grow within him.
“You didn’t…well you did, but its okay.”
The two men sit in silence for several long moments and Spencer tries to think of something to say as he ignores the stranglehold Derek seems to have on the pillow in his arms.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Spencer is startled out of his thoughts at the small unfamiliar voice that floats through the air from the man he’s grown so close to over the last year.
“Keep dreaming about Carl. All those boys after me. All the ones before.”
Spencer doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know what to say. He’s not even sure that Derek realizes he’s talking to him, but he does recognize the fact that Derek seems to be in need of a sounding board, and he knows that he can do that for his friend. So he sits and listens to Derek as he purges his demons.
“The worst thing about the whole thing isn’t the abuse, it’s the guilt. I moved past the abuse, it took me a while but I did, and I realize that I didn’t ask for it nor did I deserve it. But the guilt still eats at me. It’s the part that keeps me awake some nights. Like, maybe I should’ve said something and the boys after me would’ve been safe. But then I think about those that came before me and I get angry. I blame them for not saying anything. For not speaking up. For not saving me from Carl. And that makes me even angrier. Makes the guilt worse. How can I be mad when I’m just like them? Somewhere, someone is saying or thinking the same thing about me. Blaming me because they were hurt, abused. And the worst part is that I agree with them.”
“Then I think about Carl. And I hate him. I hate him more than words can express. But there’s this part of me, a small part, but it’s still there. There’s a piece of me that loves him. He filled a void in my life, was like a father to me. At some point in my life I truly loved him. Maybe that’s what makes it so unbearable. How do you love the person that molested you? How sick can I be for feeling that way?”
By this time Spencer is near tears himself, but he holds them in check through sheer force of will. Derek needs him to be strong, and he can do that. Will do that. Derek deserves no less.
Crossing the room, Reid sits on the bed, leaving plenty of space between them so that Derek does not feel crowded in.
“Derek, there is nothing wrong with you. I hate Carl. I hate what he did to you, but I understand some of the things you’re feeling. Carl wasn’t all bad. There were times when he was the father figure you needed, the friend you needed. He was there for you. That’s the part that you love. Your heart aches for the good you saw in him. But he wasn’t all good, and that’s where the guilt comes in. You can’t blame yourself for that, Carl owns that guilt, owns that demon. You didn’t ask for it, and you didn’t deserve it. You are not to blame. Maybe it took you longer than you liked, but there is a difference between you and the ones before you. You came back. You told the truth. You saved more boys than you can even imagine. And you put him away. Just like this guy that’s out there right now. We’ll catch him. You have to trust me on that.”
Spencer watches Derek’s face, and for a moment he wishes he could turn on a light so he can see him better. But he knows that will do more harm than good. Derek appears to need the cloak of darkness at the moment, and Spencer will respect that.
They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and Spencer sighs in relief as he watches Morgan place the pillow back at the head of the bed.
“I do, you know.”
“You do what?” Spencer asks, looking over at Morgan, voice almost a whisper.
“I do trust you.”
Spencer smiles in the darkness, his heart soaring at his friend’s words. “I’m glad you feel that you can. I trust you as well.”
“I’m sleepy.”
Spencer almost laughs at the child-like bluntness that seems to befall his exhausted colleague. “Yeah, me too.”
Spencer stands up to go to his own bed when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns to his side to find Derek standing there next to him. Before he can resist, not that he would, he feels strong arms around him as Derek pulls him into a hug.
“Thanks for letting me talk and really listening to what I was saying.”
Spencer watches as Derek climbs into bed, settling himself underneath the blankets.
“Yeah, sure…um, you’re welcome.”
Spencer climbs into his own bed and settles in to sleep. Looking across to the other bed, noticing that Derek no longer has his back turned to him, Spencer smiles. Apparently Morgan no longer feels the need or desire to hide, at least not from Reid. This more than anything, allows Spencer to slip into a deep and comfortable rest.
THE END
Author:
nicknrick4eva Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Spencer Reid/Derek Morgan (pre-slash)
Disclaimer: I don’t own, please don’t sue.
Summary: Derek has a rough night, Spencer helps out.
Spoilers: “Profiler, Profiled”
Feedback and constructive criticism is welcome and greatly appreciated.
~*~
Spencer Reid wakes with a start. Yawning widely, he looks around the dark room in search of what woke him. Just as he is about to doze of once more, he hears it again.
It sounds almost like a wounded animal….or maybe someone crying?
Shaking his head, Reid almost laughs. He wasn’t crying, so that would only leave Morgan, his roommate for this trip, as the other option. Derek Morgan does not cry.
Or maybe he does, because Spencer can almost swear he hears the faint sounds of semi-controlled sobbing, being muffled by a pillow. Sitting up slowly, so as not to startle Derek in case he actually is the source, Spencer blinks rapidly trying to let his eyes adjust to the semi-darkness.
After a few moments, his eyes finally adjust and he looks over to the bed Derek is sleeping in. What he sees breaks his heart.
Morgan’s back is to him, so Spencer can’t really see much as far as his face goes. But he has been a profiler for far too long, and the knowledge of human behavior as well as posture tells him more than facial expressions could.
Derek is definitely the source of the noises that woke him. His back is rigid, muscles taught and strained as he fights to hold the heart-wrenching sobs in. From where Spencer sits, it looks as if Derek is hugging a pillow tightly, face half buried in it. He is rocking, however slight, constantly, as if he can’t keep from moving.
Spencer is at a loss for what to do. He knows without a doubt what has brought this on. Their current case has brought them to New Orleans, in search of a serial pedophile that the locals have been unable to catch. They spent the entire day working on the case, and no real breaks had come through. Derek had taken it harder than everyone else, which is understandable, but Spencer hadn’t realized just how much the case had affected him. Is affecting him.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want to think about it.
Cursing himself for his oversight, Spencer slides off the bed onto the empty floor between his and Derek’s bed. Crawling the short distance, he stops and looks at the strong man before him.
Before he realizes what he’s doing, he reaches across the empty space and places a sleep-warmed hand on the cool, taught back of his friend.
He could kick himself for not thinking before acting as he watches Derek scramble away from him in horror, hearing the yelp of surprise and fear almost echo in the quiet room.
“Dammit Spence! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!” Morgan yells as he wipes at his wet face.
“I’m so sorry, Derek! I didn’t mean to startle you,” Spencer stands up and sits back on his bed, rubbing his hands together as the stress of the situation seems to grow within him.
“You didn’t…well you did, but its okay.”
The two men sit in silence for several long moments and Spencer tries to think of something to say as he ignores the stranglehold Derek seems to have on the pillow in his arms.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Spencer is startled out of his thoughts at the small unfamiliar voice that floats through the air from the man he’s grown so close to over the last year.
“Keep dreaming about Carl. All those boys after me. All the ones before.”
Spencer doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know what to say. He’s not even sure that Derek realizes he’s talking to him, but he does recognize the fact that Derek seems to be in need of a sounding board, and he knows that he can do that for his friend. So he sits and listens to Derek as he purges his demons.
“The worst thing about the whole thing isn’t the abuse, it’s the guilt. I moved past the abuse, it took me a while but I did, and I realize that I didn’t ask for it nor did I deserve it. But the guilt still eats at me. It’s the part that keeps me awake some nights. Like, maybe I should’ve said something and the boys after me would’ve been safe. But then I think about those that came before me and I get angry. I blame them for not saying anything. For not speaking up. For not saving me from Carl. And that makes me even angrier. Makes the guilt worse. How can I be mad when I’m just like them? Somewhere, someone is saying or thinking the same thing about me. Blaming me because they were hurt, abused. And the worst part is that I agree with them.”
“Then I think about Carl. And I hate him. I hate him more than words can express. But there’s this part of me, a small part, but it’s still there. There’s a piece of me that loves him. He filled a void in my life, was like a father to me. At some point in my life I truly loved him. Maybe that’s what makes it so unbearable. How do you love the person that molested you? How sick can I be for feeling that way?”
By this time Spencer is near tears himself, but he holds them in check through sheer force of will. Derek needs him to be strong, and he can do that. Will do that. Derek deserves no less.
Crossing the room, Reid sits on the bed, leaving plenty of space between them so that Derek does not feel crowded in.
“Derek, there is nothing wrong with you. I hate Carl. I hate what he did to you, but I understand some of the things you’re feeling. Carl wasn’t all bad. There were times when he was the father figure you needed, the friend you needed. He was there for you. That’s the part that you love. Your heart aches for the good you saw in him. But he wasn’t all good, and that’s where the guilt comes in. You can’t blame yourself for that, Carl owns that guilt, owns that demon. You didn’t ask for it, and you didn’t deserve it. You are not to blame. Maybe it took you longer than you liked, but there is a difference between you and the ones before you. You came back. You told the truth. You saved more boys than you can even imagine. And you put him away. Just like this guy that’s out there right now. We’ll catch him. You have to trust me on that.”
Spencer watches Derek’s face, and for a moment he wishes he could turn on a light so he can see him better. But he knows that will do more harm than good. Derek appears to need the cloak of darkness at the moment, and Spencer will respect that.
They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and Spencer sighs in relief as he watches Morgan place the pillow back at the head of the bed.
“I do, you know.”
“You do what?” Spencer asks, looking over at Morgan, voice almost a whisper.
“I do trust you.”
Spencer smiles in the darkness, his heart soaring at his friend’s words. “I’m glad you feel that you can. I trust you as well.”
“I’m sleepy.”
Spencer almost laughs at the child-like bluntness that seems to befall his exhausted colleague. “Yeah, me too.”
Spencer stands up to go to his own bed when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns to his side to find Derek standing there next to him. Before he can resist, not that he would, he feels strong arms around him as Derek pulls him into a hug.
“Thanks for letting me talk and really listening to what I was saying.”
Spencer watches as Derek climbs into bed, settling himself underneath the blankets.
“Yeah, sure…um, you’re welcome.”
Spencer climbs into his own bed and settles in to sleep. Looking across to the other bed, noticing that Derek no longer has his back turned to him, Spencer smiles. Apparently Morgan no longer feels the need or desire to hide, at least not from Reid. This more than anything, allows Spencer to slip into a deep and comfortable rest.
THE END
